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hey beautiful imperfect human,
it has been almost three months since i wrote to you. this time i have
an explanation. i went out into the world. new people, new freelancing
gigs, more lessons than i expected.
during that stretch, still in my hermit phase, i met someone who let the
old parts of me show up one last time. i watched myself move through
patterns i thought i’d already left behind, and something became
clear. this is not who i want to be. not anymore, not ever. because i
finally saw it through, i can let that person go.
there was a rooftop moment, wind on my face, sun warm on my skin, where
i felt so much gratitude. meeting someone wonderful when i least
expected it, because i stayed open to it. that gratitude was real. it
still is. and it sits right next to what came after: the same person
also showed me what i needed to leave behind. both are true at once.
one doesn’t cancel the other.
here is what surprised me. i thought being a hermit would protect me
from this. i thought if i stayed away from people and noise long
enough, my old self would quiet down on its own. it didn’t. even
alone, with no one around to perform for, it kept showing up, asking to
be let back in. letting go was never about removing people from my
life. it was about refusing the parts of myself that people used to
pull out of me.
the biggest lesson of these three months has been boundaries. saying no
to things that don’t align, even when saying yes would be easier,
or kinder looking, or safer. i’m working with a coach to figure out
my own ethos, my pathos, my logos, trying to understand who i am, and
why anyone should pay attention to what i have to say. i
don’t have the answer yet, and i’m not sure it’s
supposed to arrive all at once.
the easy thing is being a hermit. the hard thing is going back into
life, into relationships, friendships, work, and practicing what you
learned there. setting boundaries in real time, with real people, not
just in your head. embodying who you want to be when it costs you
something. that is the challenge. that is the lesson.
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