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hey you, nina here. happy sunday.
i have been in a weird rhythm lately.
i keep going to sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning and waking up sometime
after noon. i don't know if some part of me is sad, if i just genuinely
love those hours when the whole house is asleep, or if my internal clock
has completely given up on normal society.
probably a mix.
i have also been trying to spend less time on my phone and consume less
through video, which has pushed me back toward books.
currently, Nietzsche and Heidegger.
and my god.
trying to read philosophy properly has been incredibly humbling.
i am not going to pretend i am some naturally brilliant reader who
immediately understands dense literature. i am not. i never really built
the habit of serious reading when i was younger, and sometimes i can get
through a paragraph and realize i barely understood what i just read.
so lately i have been forcing myself to stop.
what did that sentence actually say?
could i explain it in my own words?
which word did i not understand?
what is the author actually arguing?
sometimes i read the same paragraph several times. sometimes i look
something up. sometimes i still don't fully get it and move on anyway.
it is a very, very slow burn.
but i think i am finally learning how to read.
not how to finish books. actually read.
and that matters to me because i want reading to become one of the main
ways i spend my life. i want to love it. i want to understand more. i want
to become more intellectually capable over time.
mostly, i want to become a better writer.
writing is probably the thing i care about becoming truly good at more
than anything else. and i don't think i can become the writer i want to be
without learning how to pay attention to language, ideas, structure,
argument, rhythm, all the things that good reading forces you to notice.
so there is no competition here. no Goodreads goal. nobody is waiting for
me at the end of Heidegger with a medal.
it is just me and the book.
outside of reading, i think i have been feeling a little strange too.
i have always been very good at being alone. probably suspiciously good at
it. i can disappear into my room, work, read, think, build things and
genuinely enjoy myself.
but lately i have started to feel lonely in a way i didn't before.
not desperately lonely. just aware of it.
i think my soul is craving connection. experiences. new people. different
places. movement.
life.
there is a strange in between stage where you know you don't want your
current life to stay exactly the same, but the next version has not
arrived yet.
and i think i have been there for a while.
sometimes it makes me impatient. sometimes i feel stuck. sometimes i
wonder when the next big thing is going to happen.
and at the same time, i look around and know that my life is good.
i have a bed. a home. food. people i love. work that interests me. books
everywhere. the freedom to spend a sunday trying to understand Nietzsche
if that is apparently what i have chosen to do with my life.
i still believe life is beautiful. i still think there is magic
everywhere. i am just hungry for more of it.
and i think we can be grateful for the life we have while still wanting
more from it. both things can be true.
i am also trying not to fight the fact that i feel a little down right
now. not turning it into a problem to solve immediately, and not escaping
into some imaginary future where everything is different.
because if i spend all my time wanting the next version of my life, i miss
the one that is happening right now.
so i am just trying to be here with it.
that's my little sunday rant of the night.
and if you are feeling something similar, you are not alone. sending you a
big hug.
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